The practice and benefits of contact napping (part 1).
An article exploring the benefits and practice of nothing more complex than a good long cuddle with somebody close to you. It's a surprisingly radical, simple and nourishing act.
Two months into a new relationship and Lucy and I are planning to spend bank holiday weekend together. A few days before the weekend Lucy asks if it’s alright that we hit the ‘pause’ button on any further sexual intimacy. I’m fine with this. Without going into details we’ve been making progress on this front, but are yet to have sex. The weekend approaches and we find ourselves lazing around in bed on Saturday and Sunday morning.
(I know for many young parents this will be a totally unheard of luxury - sorry about that!)
We lie, cuddle, and chat quietly… the birdsong filtering in through the open window, a soft breeze gently touching our skin, the texture of the blankets and duvet is soft on our fingers.
We indulge ourselves, spending the whole morning in bed, napping, being in contact, moving positions gently, chatting quietly, lying in silence, breathing together, dropping in and out of sleep, sometimes reading a little to each other.
This, my friend, was, in my world, the origin of ‘contact napping’. We dropped into a deep place of rest and rejuvenation, and because we’d hit ‘pause’ with our sexual intimacy our attention remained in this newly discovered expansive space of a close and intimate connection without there being any need (or sense of need) to progress towards more sexual or erotic contact.
We had time, we found ourselves in a new space, and we willingly dropped in. Afterwards on a walk we chatted about how wonderful the experience felt. How it was somehow ‘new’, simple, profound, healing and rejuvenating.
Since this day (nearly two years ago) I’ve been working with the concept of ‘contact napping’ and have held a bunch of guided sessions at various events. Here’s me hosting a big group last year in a rather spectacular upstairs ballroom!
The advantages of contact napping
When we contact nap our nervous systems co-regulate. This happens through various psychological and physiological systems that I’ll dig more into in a second post on this topic. Essentially it feels calming and helps with anxiety and stress.
Touch is an often unmet need for many of us. We live in a world starved of touch. A simple cuddle goes a long way and has surprising benefits. It’s worth noting how supportive this can be to a friend in need of support, presence and care. As with many things it’s sadly becoming a paid for professional service, surely we can do this simple thing for each other!?1
Cuddling and napping fosters connection and creates social bonds. In a world of fractured relationships and digital communities this essential way of being together feels increasingly nourishing.
This practice opens up a non-sexual space of intimate and loving connection within a romantic partnership. I hear from people of all genders that they often feel pressured to move towards sexual connection and fulfilment once intimate or physical touch has been initiated in a partnership. This practice is about resting in the non-sexual space which feels gloriously non-directional and present.
How to contact nap with your partner or friends
It seems silly to give instructions for such a basic act but there are a couple of pieces it’s worth sharing to optimise this experience (optimise in the most calming and peaceful way that is!). I’m aware that ‘contact napping’ is a term originally used to describe the act of a baby sleeping in contact with a parent.2 We’re upgrading that definition to include adults napping with other adults.
It’s worth asking if your friend or partner is up for a cuddle or ‘contact nap’. You could share this article with them if you like. It might need expressing, but usually it’s a given, that this is a non-sexual exercise normally done with clothes on.
You might try out different positions, numbers of people, times of the day or locations. A conversation around boundaries and the vulnerability of cuddly with each other can be nourishing; this will help create a sense of safety in the experience. It’s wonderful making a cuddle puddle with your friends and doing this napping exercise as a group.
Here’s a few other tips:
It’s worth experimenting with different positions; I’ve noticed there is a difference in the psychological and emotional experience according to the position that your body / bodies take. Think about the difference between being a big or little spoon. Different right?
I’ve had moments of emotional release (crying) when positioning my head on somebody’s belly and curling up like a small child. Sadness wasn’t particularly present in my body that day, but the position really helped move it through. Let emotion come if present, often in being held grief comes to the surface.
Be not afraid (said Yoda) of changing positions. Do so slowly, you won’t ruin the connection, adjusting happens in regular life also. Move gently with each other and try things out, be OK with the improvised and explorative nature of this act.
Slow down, there’s something radical about resting when the world wants us to continue being a productive consumer. Recognise the regenerative and even radical act of resting and take this practice seriously (sort of).3 I see this as an important ‘yin’ practice that nourishes us on many levels.
Why this is particularly nourishing for intimate partnerships
In contact napping together we indulge in the glorious activity of being intimate with each other without things necessarily becoming sexual. This can be experienced as a huge relief for both men and women. I’ve heard stories of this practice being healing in relationships where a pattern had formed that any physical or intimate connection usually led to sex, or felt like it should, or often led that way and then ended somewhere in an unsatisfactory experience.
Contact napping shows your partner I’m here, I love you, I’ve got you, you’re safe with me exactly as you are. There is nothing I need from you in order to receive my love. See if you can drop into this moment with each other, it’s glorious.
Final pro-tip: keep chatting to a minimum, put your attention on the physical sensations instead, this practice then becomes something of a meditation. Focus on the sound of breathing, a heartbeat, the warmth of your partner’s body. Use these simple, slow, yet infinitely fascinating dimensions of the experience to calm your attention - this makes it different to cuddling while watching a film (though that’s still a good start).
I’d love to know if this is something you’re already doing.. I know that many of you are. If so, what are the other benefits that you’ve noticed?
How else might we start to live in a more touch-positive world!?
If I created a pop-up contact napping cafe in Bristol would you come for a nap?
Last weekend I delivered this workshop at Buddhafield, a wonderful event here in the UK. If you know of other places or events where I could deliver this experience then please let me know in the comments.
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/jun/11/nordic-cuddle-therapy-would-you-pay-65-to-hug-a-stranger
https://www.mysweetsleeper.com/newborninfantblog/what-is-contact-napping-and-why-is-it-important
https://thenapministry.com/
Wonderful! Yes, I can totally relate.
Sorry I missed it at Buddhafield!
Some random reflections that come to my mind.
Adding soothing music in the background really helps me. Gentle ambient music, such some of those Spotify playlists made on purpose for sleep, works really well for me.
Another consideration: co-regulation doesn't always work. It's as if the two (or many) nervous systems are in contact, part of the same space, but the outcome and direction depend on the state and interaction of the nervous systems.
If for example one nervous system is more agitated, the other needs to almost "work more" to relax both.
Being in close contact with an agitated nervous system could make other nervous systems more agitated, unless both are able to relax, then the relaxation happens and perhaps multiply even.
I've found helpful for that adding a pinch of meditative and relaxation practices that encourages acceptance, allowing, grounding, and loving all as is.
I've heard of co-working coffee shops that have nap spaces for individuals, and I think having a space for pop-up contact napping would be wonderful.
I find power-napping (short 15mn nap, perhaps followed by a coffee or some movement practice) super useful during the day to improve productivity and return to my body.
If there was a coffee shop where we could both focus on work and have a space for napping (and perhaps dancing a bit) in Bristol I'd definitely love to try it out.
Yessss! I love love love sleeping / napping with others, even relative strangers. It's so soothing. I also really appreciate your encouragement to do this for each other instead of turning it into a paid service! Lovely that you can introduce people to it at festivals and other spaces.