An invitational conversation for deeper relating.
Learn how to talk about your boundaries and desires, vulnerabilities and needs to help establish clearer agreements within your intimate partnerships.
Over the past few years I’ve been fortunate enough to learn from some wonderful people (many of them pictured below) as to how we can make our ways of relating more conscious. This article is intended to help us all in that process.
During April 2021 I was fortunate enough to attend a Hedone event in Tulum, Mexico. Hedone is a world leading events production organisation specialising in workshops and education on consensual non-monogamy and conscious relating.
During day 2 of this five day event 35 of us gathered in an open sided palapa to attend a workshop on clear communication and boundaries. What unfolded was one of the most informative and transformative workshop experiences I’ve ever had.
My core takeaway was this:
If there is somebody that you’re curious about connecting further with, then it’s important to set time aside to share with each other your boundaries, desires, vulnerabilities and your needs.
It sounds simple. And in one way it is. Yet this conversation formula invites a particularly nuanced capacity to think through your relationship (at whatever stage it is) and enables a profoundly useful clarity of understanding and expression.
Why is this invitation relevant now?
In my work over the past few years I’m finding myself in conversation with more and more people who are seeking to upgrade their relationships and their ways of relating within those relationships. This is not a new theme; we know how central to overall life happiness our relationships are.
What’s different now is that we’ve got a generation of young(-ish) people growing up who have witnessed the potentially difficult and limiting effects of the conventional model of monogamy. A new model is in creation (which I’m not necessarily saying is better but I do think that it has some inbuilt advantages); call it consensual non-monogamy, or call it conscious relating, it’s about building satisfying relationships of all shapes and types. Often these relationships take the shape of ‘conventional’ monogamy and that’s all good.
There is no map for this new and uncertain territory and, as we’re talking about intimacy, love, and sex we’re playing with fire. We are co-explorers making sense of this new space at the same time as moving into it. That’s exciting, and risky. Having some simple guidelines, principles or conversational structure, can really help in creating clarity and alignment, at least for the territory we find ourselves immediately surrounded by.
Why is this invitation so powerful?
During these kinds of conversations you might experience more clarity and connection and mutual understanding of ‘where we’re at’. Maybe you feel like you’ve moved a tonne of important information from the murky realm of expectation and assumption, into the clarity of alignment and agreement. Perhaps you’re clearer about what your partner wants and what they’re available for.
Personally I’ve experienced deeper trust, broader psychological safety and a more meaningful sense of love and belonging. I’ve felt properly seen and heard and in turn I’ve had the honour of properly witnessing another in their truth. And, surprisingly so, this conversation is entirely sexy and has quite some erotic charge to it. So have no fear, this is not intended to reduce eroticism by ‘making everything safe’.
What does best practice look like?
Take a little time to set up this conversation. It’s quite an emotionally sensitive space you’ll be entering and you’re asking to be seen and see another truthfully — that takes courage and compassion. It’s obviously good if you can ensure you won’t be disturbed for the duration of the conversation. And remember to thank your partner for their sharing (whatever they’ve said!).
You can go through the four different parts one person at a time or take it in turns. I usually find it works best for one person to go through their boundaries, desires, vulnerabilities and needs — more or less in that order. This gives that person a chance to ‘say everything’ and feel complete. This approach also invites a deeper listening from the partner and gives space to the one speaking to share these four distinct, but related, aspects of their approach to the current situation.
There’s usually something of a sense of psychologically and emotionally completeness in having had this conversation. There’s no need to be too strict in adhering to the exact order, though there is value in patiently distinguishing if something’s a need or desire (for example). That’s kinda what this is about — creating clarity within the complexity of a relationship.
You might want to share things like…
Below are some examples of the kinds of things shared in each category. This is not meant to be prescriptive guidance and feel free to follow your intuition. It can feel a little risky or awkward, and yet leaning into that discomfort is where real gold lies, nobody said this would be easy.
Boundaries
physical boundaries of where you are, or are not, OK to be sexually or sensually intimate with another.
Be explicit and specific; kissing without tongues, no penetration, touching only currently exposed skin (this is probably the most awkward part of the conversation!)
You may have boundaries around what you are, or are not, available for that are more from an emotional or psychological space
Or perhaps they’re practical boundaries around finances, time and other family or relationships
Desires
Tell the other person what you’d like to explore with them; feel brave and yet don’t feel you need to push yourself outside of your comfort zone
You can say things like ‘further intimacy’, or ‘connecting more closely’ if you don’t want to be explicit
You can also be very specific and explicit — it’s a real turn on to be told by someone just how they’d like you to be intimate with them.
Perhaps you want the other to hold your body in a particular way, or touch a particular part — all of that’s good stuff to share
Let the other know what turns you on, what gets your feeling erotically charged — we think this kind of information is obvious but remember how different we all are
It’s 100% OK to express your desires and yet in doing so be unattached to them being fulfilled.
Vulnerabilities
These can be past triggers, thought patterns that you notice come up for you in the process of exploring intimacy, particular body parts or sexual manoeuvres that you’re not entirely sure about.
It may be areas where you don’t feel good enough, or sexy enough, or where you’ve been hurt or let down in the past
It’s good to remember that these are in themselves vulnerable to share, and that they’re also vulnerabilities and not defining characteristics of you or the other person
If you feel confident and you’re leading this conversation be sure to go first with the vulnerabilities piece.
Needs
These are deal-breakers — things that, if not met, then the relationship would need to change shape
Perhaps it’s a need for boundaries around certain levels of intimacy with other partners — this may need some unpicking, for example, some friends are totally OK with kissing on the lips, others not
I often have needs around clarity in communication; for me there’s often a need for an ‘aftercare’ follow up conversation
Needs may also come from the community around you, or from the degree of consent or agreed upon boundaries that are set by the group or workshop space that you’re within
Just for fun here’s a few photos from these Hedoné events that I’ve been attending. I’ll be running my team of ‘Hedo Angels’ at the upcoming Berlin Seminar in September 2023. You can apply to attend that event here.
Ready to dive in? Some final thoughts:
Have this conversation as soon as possible. It can even be appropriate on date #1. And it’s never too late. It may, however, be the wrong time — late at night, when you might be interrupted, when something has just gone terribly wrong — I’d choose a quieter and more stable time for this.
It’s also kind (and useful) to pre-warn your partner that you’re inviting them to this conversation. This’ll give you both some time to prepare and not feel too on the spot. There’s no definitive right or wrong way to do this; bringing a playful and experimental attitude can help create a level playing field for the conversation.
Remember that you’re trying to make sense of the territory that you find yourselves immediately within; you are not trying to make sense of the whole new paradigm of conscious relating.
If you’ve found this post useful please give it a ‘like’ and add a comment. You might also like to share it with a buddy who could do with a little conscious relating support right now.
Thank you Chris for putting this together in such a clear way! This is not a totally new concept for me, but I always appreciate to get reminded of the quality of intentional communication again. I also found some new nuances through your examples that I really appreciate reading and welcoming into my life.
Remember meeting you holding space in Hedo-Angels Heaven the last two years, it really felt like a safe space to me! Thank you for that and keep up sharing your gifts!! And maybe see you this year again…